Faith--less

Lately, I have been drowning myself in past thought, idea, and most of all actions. I guess as you get older, you... Learn and become a better person or that is what I have been told... However, I feel like I am getting older and finding myself lost in the woods and I cant find my way home... I use to think my faith would get me through but it seems like I lost my faith in the woods and I can't find myself back.. What do you do when you feel like you have lost your faith? what do you do when hope seems like it faded away? what do you do when all the thoughts you once had is no longer alive. I feel like a part of my soul has died and I cant
love. Sometimes I wonder if I ever knew how to love, I guess a part f me feels like I didn't know how to love and I am looking around and seeing the love and I cant understand why I don't have this love I long for or does it even exist? Do I have standards that can't be met, or am I not ready for what I ask? I am not sure all I know is I feel alone and lost and wondering if true true undying love exit?

Mr.Gill I use to wonder why in our relationship you were so mean to me. I mean wasn't I the perfect girlfriend? Didn't I love you the best I could? I mean I did everything for you I gave you all of me and then some. And some how you didn't care. You lied, cheated and hit me. It was like I was dirt and I blamed you for so long but I realized it was me I allowed you to treat me like dirt and I allowed you to cheat on me. That's why I left you after 3 years I just couldn't do it anymore and after 6 years after we have been broken up I have wondered and wondered if you ever realized how you have messed up and hurt me now I realzied that you have and I guess all I ever wanted was an apology and Now I have I feel like I got that it was the closure I needed to move on all I ever wanted was that now I feel like God has closed this me and you forever...And Mr.Gill I forgive you

Baby

abortion has always been a word that I have been against since I was young I was taught that abortion is something that is unforgivable its killing a child your child. I never thought I would be on the other side of that shoe. My first boyfriend was terrible very abusive and I wanted to wait till marriage and he said if I loved him we could have sex and we did, I got pregnant. That moment was the worst moment of my life I allowed myself to do the un-thinkable and now I was paying the price. My boyfriend at the time said he wanted me to get an abortion and If I loved him I would and I did... That would be a moment that I would regret for the rest of my life. I spiraled downhill and felt alone I lost who I was for so many years. I placed that pain in the back of my head because I couldn't face it I couldn't tell a soul I was ashamed I guess in a way after 6 years I still am. I look back at 16 and I see that sad scared girl. I heard about post abortion syndrome and everything that these women were feeling I was too. I heard this lady say that she wrote her baby a letter. It took me years to acknowledge my child I just couldn't face that I killed a part of me. I killed a part of what God gave me. so even though my pain is still there I felt like it was time to express my love and sorrow for my unborn baby. HERE is the letter I owed you a long time ago....
My letter to my unborn baby
Keyara, words couldn’t express the pain I feel every day, I feel like since I lost you, I lost me. I know I have never really acknowledge who you are, I guess I was afraid that it would hurt too much. I want you to know that mommy loves you more than words could ever express, and there isn’t a day that passes that you don’t run through my head. Every time I see a child I think wow, she/he is Keyara’s age. I know I made a mistake by taking your life away, and I will have to live with that scar forever. I will always have the sickness of mourning. I wasn’t strong enough to have you, but I know you’re in my spirits you’re in soul and you’re in every fiber of my body, you are mommy’s heart. I’m so sorry it took me so long to acknowledge you, I couldn’t face up to what I had done, I was living in a lie, that I couldn’t escape. I hope this letter can show you that I am trying, and I want to be a better person not just for me, but for you. I miss you every day, I hope one day in Heaven when we do meet you will forgive me.
Love, Mommy.”

Growing

Growing. Is a word that I am starting to hate. Everyday I look up and I am not the same person I have done so many things in my life that have guided me into so many directions and somehow I ended on this path. I know that I use to want all of these things that I no longer want. I have forgiven myself for all of the bad things I once did but I also know there is so much about me that I haven't forgotten. Change isn't easy and growing is even harder and when people think your strong they never ask how you are really doing. It's crazy to think that so many people think I don't feel I write these blogs and my voice goes unnoticed or maybe I am scared for people to know who I am because that means all of my flaws come to the light. I know my flaws and I have tried to fix all of my flaws but I guess I am getting to a point where I am letting all of the people in my life slip away. I no longer need people around me I need God to surround me and make me forgive myself for all of the things that I have done. I know that I have falling short but I hope all of my errors God can help me forgive myself.

changing my ways

There are a lo of things that people don't know about me, alot of things that I do that I don't share with people...I have nothing to hide yet I hide everything..I am ashamed of nothing I have done in my life but I refuse to talk about the past... I know that I may not be perfect but I guess I try so hard to be... sometimes I look back on my life and think "how could you" there are things in my life that I have buried for so long..there are things that I hate to talk about because I feel like i have shamed myself and God...But here is the thing...I am trying out honesty for a change for myself and well for myself...I am tired of feeling the pain and shame I feel...Im sorry God for all my mistakes and all my sins I know that I cant change what I have done but I hope I can do better and act better I hope that I stop playing these games with myself and just allow you to work all through me and to stop caring about what others think of me... I hope that my past can be used as my tesimony and you can use me as your tool to help all of those girls that are doing what I have done I hope that my actions can show women what not to do... overall Lord I am sorry for my actions....