Heart meeting soul

I have been thinking a lot lately, and these thoughts led me to a road, and unknown road. I guess it is good but in a way it is scary because I have no idea how I got here, but to be honest I cannot tell you how great it feels to have a change in my life. For so long I have been living in shadow hoping one day I will get saved... That day is here and now I realized if I want to be saved I have to save myself. Someone once told me if you want to something to happen you gotta let go of that idea and allow god to work. If it comes to you then it was in the plan and if it never came to you... well the rest is history. All I ever wanted was love, true, pure, honest love, that led me home... But I realized this love I was searching for in all these guys was inside of me and I was just waiting for me to find me. I have been wondering aimlessly trying to find my heart a home when all the while my soul was waiting for my heart to come home. So, this is my letter to God. Dear God, I have failed you, I stopped allowing you to guide me. I stop believing that you could give me the one the that I wanted my whole life. I decided I was no longer waiting for you to take action I was going to make my own choices. Most of those choices led me down a bad path they made me miss out on my future, I stole from my future because I could not allow you to keep hold of my heart I needed to move and make all these guys come into my life. but to be honest it was never in the cards for me to guide my boat. I am sorry that it took me so long. I am sorry that I stopped believing in you. I am handing my heart to you because it is the one thing that I have not been able to give you. it has been the one thing that I have held on to because I am afraid of the unknown.... But not anymore I want to be it!!! I AM GIVING YOU MY LOVE and if it comes back to me then I know it was meant for me....

Blue Print

Dear secret keeper,
Sometimes believing in the unknown is hard and whats even harder is trusting that unknown. We live in a world where instant gratification is better then waiting for the plan to unfold. We stop believing in patience and started believing in right now. When I was younger I use to hope for things and I think my innocence helped me to believe in the things not seen. But as we get older we get colder and as we get colder we lose what once made us who we are. We hear so many people say that they believe and trust in you God but to be honest how many of us truly trust you fully... How many of us truly believe in you. I believe that we have lost our way. believe it or not I think we all would take the blue print to life if we had the chance. Funny thing is even if we had the blue print to life would it change the way we act and feel? Would it even change the outcome of a situation. Think about it we all once liked someone that we know was bad for us. Everyone knew it and so did we. But did we listen no we continued and found ourselves hurt. So in reality what would the blue print do for us. Make us more sheltered make us more cold or even worst what would be the point of believing in you. I think what we need is to trust you more in time of doubt trust you more in time of sorrow, because the greatest test comes from not fully knowing what is in stored for you but trusting that once we get passed the unknown we find true peace in you... So again I ask what would the blueprint really do....

Faith--less

Lately, I have been drowning myself in past thought, idea, and most of all actions. I guess as you get older, you... Learn and become a better person or that is what I have been told... However, I feel like I am getting older and finding myself lost in the woods and I cant find my way home... I use to think my faith would get me through but it seems like I lost my faith in the woods and I can't find myself back.. What do you do when you feel like you have lost your faith? what do you do when hope seems like it faded away? what do you do when all the thoughts you once had is no longer alive. I feel like a part of my soul has died and I cant
love. Sometimes I wonder if I ever knew how to love, I guess a part f me feels like I didn't know how to love and I am looking around and seeing the love and I cant understand why I don't have this love I long for or does it even exist? Do I have standards that can't be met, or am I not ready for what I ask? I am not sure all I know is I feel alone and lost and wondering if true true undying love exit?

Mr.Gill I use to wonder why in our relationship you were so mean to me. I mean wasn't I the perfect girlfriend? Didn't I love you the best I could? I mean I did everything for you I gave you all of me and then some. And some how you didn't care. You lied, cheated and hit me. It was like I was dirt and I blamed you for so long but I realized it was me I allowed you to treat me like dirt and I allowed you to cheat on me. That's why I left you after 3 years I just couldn't do it anymore and after 6 years after we have been broken up I have wondered and wondered if you ever realized how you have messed up and hurt me now I realzied that you have and I guess all I ever wanted was an apology and Now I have I feel like I got that it was the closure I needed to move on all I ever wanted was that now I feel like God has closed this me and you forever...And Mr.Gill I forgive you

Baby

abortion has always been a word that I have been against since I was young I was taught that abortion is something that is unforgivable its killing a child your child. I never thought I would be on the other side of that shoe. My first boyfriend was terrible very abusive and I wanted to wait till marriage and he said if I loved him we could have sex and we did, I got pregnant. That moment was the worst moment of my life I allowed myself to do the un-thinkable and now I was paying the price. My boyfriend at the time said he wanted me to get an abortion and If I loved him I would and I did... That would be a moment that I would regret for the rest of my life. I spiraled downhill and felt alone I lost who I was for so many years. I placed that pain in the back of my head because I couldn't face it I couldn't tell a soul I was ashamed I guess in a way after 6 years I still am. I look back at 16 and I see that sad scared girl. I heard about post abortion syndrome and everything that these women were feeling I was too. I heard this lady say that she wrote her baby a letter. It took me years to acknowledge my child I just couldn't face that I killed a part of me. I killed a part of what God gave me. so even though my pain is still there I felt like it was time to express my love and sorrow for my unborn baby. HERE is the letter I owed you a long time ago....
My letter to my unborn baby
Keyara, words couldn’t express the pain I feel every day, I feel like since I lost you, I lost me. I know I have never really acknowledge who you are, I guess I was afraid that it would hurt too much. I want you to know that mommy loves you more than words could ever express, and there isn’t a day that passes that you don’t run through my head. Every time I see a child I think wow, she/he is Keyara’s age. I know I made a mistake by taking your life away, and I will have to live with that scar forever. I will always have the sickness of mourning. I wasn’t strong enough to have you, but I know you’re in my spirits you’re in soul and you’re in every fiber of my body, you are mommy’s heart. I’m so sorry it took me so long to acknowledge you, I couldn’t face up to what I had done, I was living in a lie, that I couldn’t escape. I hope this letter can show you that I am trying, and I want to be a better person not just for me, but for you. I miss you every day, I hope one day in Heaven when we do meet you will forgive me.
Love, Mommy.”

Growing

Growing. Is a word that I am starting to hate. Everyday I look up and I am not the same person I have done so many things in my life that have guided me into so many directions and somehow I ended on this path. I know that I use to want all of these things that I no longer want. I have forgiven myself for all of the bad things I once did but I also know there is so much about me that I haven't forgotten. Change isn't easy and growing is even harder and when people think your strong they never ask how you are really doing. It's crazy to think that so many people think I don't feel I write these blogs and my voice goes unnoticed or maybe I am scared for people to know who I am because that means all of my flaws come to the light. I know my flaws and I have tried to fix all of my flaws but I guess I am getting to a point where I am letting all of the people in my life slip away. I no longer need people around me I need God to surround me and make me forgive myself for all of the things that I have done. I know that I have falling short but I hope all of my errors God can help me forgive myself.

changing my ways

There are a lo of things that people don't know about me, alot of things that I do that I don't share with people...I have nothing to hide yet I hide everything..I am ashamed of nothing I have done in my life but I refuse to talk about the past... I know that I may not be perfect but I guess I try so hard to be... sometimes I look back on my life and think "how could you" there are things in my life that I have buried for so long..there are things that I hate to talk about because I feel like i have shamed myself and God...But here is the thing...I am trying out honesty for a change for myself and well for myself...I am tired of feeling the pain and shame I feel...Im sorry God for all my mistakes and all my sins I know that I cant change what I have done but I hope I can do better and act better I hope that I stop playing these games with myself and just allow you to work all through me and to stop caring about what others think of me... I hope that my past can be used as my tesimony and you can use me as your tool to help all of those girls that are doing what I have done I hope that my actions can show women what not to do... overall Lord I am sorry for my actions....